Oh friends, how I hoped three months ago, that by now (mid-April), I would have more to tell you about our foster care story. I hoped and prayed that our empty bedroom would be full by now, that we would be settling in with a placement and really learning the ropes of being a foster parent.

However, this is not the case. In just three days, we will mark three months of waiting. The first month was the hardest. By month two, I was used to it, and into month three it almost became comical. I’ve managed to avoid cynicism for the most part, though it’s hard. Every night when I get my birth control pills out of the locked medicine box in my bathroom, I think “Gee it’s a good thing these pills are locked away from the kids we don’t have!”. And when I check my phone for the 1,516th time when I’ve stepped away from my desk (“Maybe I missed a placement call while I was in the bathroom!”), it’s hard not to feel disappointment.

But it’s really a weird thing to feel disappointed about though, right? That we still have open beds? Because if we aren’t currently foster parenting, that means they obviously have beds somewhere, right? Surely the foster care crisis isn’t over, we can’t all pack it up and say “Mission Accomplished!” See, I’m getting cynical again.

Wanting to help and feeling helpless are hard, but it’s nothing compared to what comes next. Because once The Call comes, and it will come, we’ll be in for sleepless nights of concern for our kids, new parenting challenges, heartbreak, and a new “normal” of therapy appointments and birth family visits. I feel as ready for that as one can ever be, but I should probably be using this time to gain more wisdom, pray more, and allow my heart to be broken and molded by the need. Because the need is great, friends.

Last weekend, we experienced our first respite care placement. I realized after excitedly sharing this news with our friends and family that no one knew what that meant, so I’ll explain:  Respite care is used within the foster care system when foster parents need a substitute foster parent. Most of the time it’s for a weekend, but it could be for a week or up to a month if needed. Children in the foster care system aren’t able to just spend the night with anyone, so foster parents are dependent upon others being able to meet this need. Most of the time respite is awesome for everyone (or so I hear) – the kids love it because it’s a break from routine and they don’t have their regular chores and the respite foster parents sometimes just do respite and it’s not a regular thing.

We were thrilled to have kids in our home, even if it was just for the weekend. The girls, which I’ll call Alexis and Savannah, were 11 and 12 and absolutely wonderful. We had the greatest time with them – we went to the movies, we played games, we went to the zoo, went on walks, baked cookies, and had a picnic. Basically, we did as much as we could fit in, because we were so excited to FINALLY have some kids in our lives! I don’t think it could have gone any better, and I hope the girls felt the same way.

But the weekend ended and they went home.

Waiting sucks. Having no real response when people ask for news is depressing. Feeling like everyone must believe that something is wrong with us because we haven’t gotten a placement? Not at all pleasant. Constantly being on edge and wondering if we should make plans because what if? Not fun.

Waiting is rough, but we’ve been using the time to learn and prepare so that when it’s right, it’s right and we’ll know it. Our beds are still open, but so are our hearts.

It has been an exciting time at our house since my last post! We completed our Foster Care Certification classes on Thursday, January 15th and then had our final pre-certification home visit on Monday, January 19th! After that, we waited for my husband’s background check paperwork to come back, which thankfully for him (because it was due to his “I’ll get it done…eventually!” mentality that caused a hold-up), was received by our worker the very next day. She then finished uploading all of the pieces of the paperwork and documents for our certification and completed our home study. It was sent off for the final stamp of approval, which came back the next day. All of that to say that our home is officially certified and “open” for foster care as of Wednesday, January 21st! The rooms are ready, we’ve been blessed by some incredibly kind gifts which I’ll share more about in another post, and our hearts are as “ready” as we feel we can be for the emotional rollercoaster ahead of us.

So why are we still waiting?

On the same day that our home study went off for approval, it also went to the social worker of a little girl who is waiting for a forever home via our state’s “Special Needs Adoption Program”…We’ll call her A. I found A’s photo listing on October 28th and since that day, I can’t get her out of my head. When I saw her that first time, I actually gasped. There’s something about A that has stayed with me, in my heart. I feel very strongly that we could be the family that she is waiting for.

The day I saw her listing, I contacted our certification worker and asked how the process goes for inquiring about for the SNAP program. I was told that when we got closer, if she was still waiting, we would pursue it. Almost three months later, she is still waiting, and I haven’t let it go.What happens now is that our home study is read through by this child’s worker, the worker’s supervisor, and an adoption specialist. They will evaluate whether or not we are a match for this child and if we are, they would offer the referral to us. At that point, we would have a conference and go through her history and decide if we are the right fit for her.

I’ve been keeping a little journal of important dates and thoughts throughout this process, so that if we are possibly matched with A and end up adopting her, she could read it. Here’s what I wrote last week:

“Sweet A, I hope you know that you are wanted. We wanted to be your family. Every day, we thought of you and wanted you here with us. I thought about you all the time and wondered where you were. I saw your name EVERYWHERE in these last days before our homestudy was finished – an author’s name, a dress pattern – you were everywhere and in my heart. You’re still waiting. You still need a family. I hope it’s us that you need. There are so many people praying for you. I hope you get the chance to experience being in a loving family. I know I’ll have no way to tell you if we don’t get your referral, but I want you to know that you are wanted. We wanted you.”

Until we hear back on our inquiry, we are “on hold” with our agency, meaning that they won’t send us any foster care referrals until we know whether or not we will be getting the referral for A. This period of being “on hold” might be another week or it could be a month or more. It’s one of those things where it could change very quickly — either in the positive, that we find out that we are moving forward, or the other direction and we get a foster placement right away.

You could say that patience is not one of my stronger virtues. I’m definitely struggling with not having any additional information to analyze. It’s entirely out of my control, which I’d better get used to. We want so desperately to follow God’s will and in this case, I believe He is saying “Just wait. I have something amazing coming, but you’ve got to trust me.”

So I’ll wait…I won’t necessarily be happy about the uncertainty and silence, but I’m trusting that He is leading us to something incredible.

And that’s where we are today. We haven’t chickened out, or changed our minds, we’re just being patient trying to be patient and listen to His leading.