I remember how I felt on the day my ultrasound confirmed that I would be having a boy, back in March 2008. I also remember how I felt in October of 2009 when I learned we would be adding another son to our family.
To say I mourned for a dream both days would be correct. I did, in fact, cry at the news with my first son. Big, ridiculous tears and heaving sobs on the dining room floor. I cried in the parking lot before walking into my office wearing a happy “It’s A Boy!” t-shirt. And I cried in the mall when I went for some retail therapy in the newborn boys’ section at JC Penney.
I remember how my husband didn’t understand my tears. “It’s not that I don’t want a boy…I just wanted a girl!” I told him.
At this point, I feel I should give the standard disclaimer that goes along with this discussion any time it is had. Of course I just wanted a healthy baby. Of course I am blessed beyond measure to have a child. But to deny that I felt sadness would be dishonest.
I have a hard time explaining why it is that I want a daughter so badly. It’s not that I want to dress a daughter in pink from head to toe (though that would be fun) or that I want someone to go with me on shopping trips (though the prospect of teenage boys’ sighs in the shoe department gives me a headache). I don’t believe that a daughter would want to be my best friend or stay up late telling me secrets. But I do know that I have a great relationship with my mom and I want to experience what it’s like to have a daughter, to have a different kind of relationship than I will have with my sons.
It has been nearly three years since that first scan revealed our child’s gender, and I now find myself coming to terms with and accepting the idea that I may never have a daughter. We might not have more children and even if we do, we may have more boys.
As much of a turnaround as this is for me, it doesn’t mean I won’t have moments when I long for a daughter. I will still get wistful at times when I see a mother and daughter together. Even though my friends with daughters make jokes about how girls are “so much drama,” I still wonder what it would be like. Would she be a girly girl or more of a tomboy? Would she be one of the popular girls or really awkward like I was? Would she be a daddy’s girl and run to his arms after a rough day at school? These are the things I may never know — but I’m starting to be okay with maybe never knowing.
I suppose what I’ve come to appreciate is that this is our family. We may add to our number at some point, but I wouldn’t change who is in that photo. I wouldn’t trade my sons for 10,000 daughters. This is who God has entrusted into my care and I thank Him for my boys. I thank Him for the grass-stained jeans, the daredevil’s bruises, and the loud bodily function noises. I thank Him for little boys who love their mama dearly and unconditionally. Thank you God for my boys.
About Krista
Oh Krista, I can’t wait for my sister in law to read this, she is expecting her second son after trying to concieve him for 4 long years. She went through a period of “mourning”, too. I LOVE what you wrote and I know she feels the same way! I kindof feel the same way except in the opposite turn, I long to have a boy!
I wondered about that, Bonnie! I wondered if women with daughters have the same mysterious longing for a son.
I totally understand this! I’ve told people that I was disappointed in our ultrasound where we found out Kate was a girl, and they just thought it was strange. When you’ve always envisioned your family having daughter or having sons and you end up with the opposite, it takes time to readjust your vision. After having Kate, I know that I don’t care this time around–I just can’t wait to find out!! I love my daughter and whatever comes next I’ll love too.
I remember that exact moment. My husband had, just for fun, gone out and gotten a little “gender predicter” pee test for us (by us, I mean me) to take. As soon as the color changed to “Boy”, great, heaving sobs came out. Nobody understood me then, and even chastised me for not being happy with just a healthy baby. Like you, of course I was thrilled that he was healthy, but I wanted a daughter. Now that I have a son, I couldn’t imagine life anyother way. You still get to have that relationship, but it’s different. Because there will never be any girl in his life quite like mommy!
I reacted the exact same way when we found out our first child was a girl! I had just always “felt” that I would have lots of boys, and I “knew” I was going to have a boy first so that he could be the protective older brother type (just like my brother was for me). But now that our daughter is almost 4 she is simply amazing! Like you said, I wouldn’t trade her for anything! We are now expecting boy/girl twins and I’m really excited to see their little personalities emerge! I wonder if our new daughter will take after Aubrey (who is quite a character!), and am excited to experience being a mother to a son. We have longed for a boy even though Aubrey is a little daredevil, and I know my husband is excited about teaching him “manly” things (like building/destroying things, and sports and such). I keep thinking that 3 kids is going to be a lot to keep up with, but I wouldn’t be surprised if a year or 2 from now we decide to try for another boy
My sister has definitely gone through this. I even made it worse for her. On her third pregnancy we did the egg test that farmers use on their eggs and it said she was having a girl (I think it was picking up her blood instead of the baby’s. Then, for the third time, she was told it’s a boy. She actually just had him a few days ago, and of course is super happy to have a healthy child, but I know she longs for a girl.
We have multiple friends who have adopted and I wonder if that could be a possibility. There are so many children without parents who need love and care. We’re thinking of looking into that when we’re done biologically having children. One plus is you get to pick the gender. Just a thought as my friends and I pray for all the orphans in the world.
I actually got the baby I longed for! While I wouldn’t mind having boys, I wanted so desperately for my daughter to be, well, a daughter. I went into that 18 week ultrasound holding my breath and praying for a girl.
When I get pregnant again, I can see myself having the same thoughts. I want a sister for my little one… I want boys, theoretically, but I want another girl too. If the scan were to show something that obviously was NOT on my daughter… I think I would mourn for a bit, but ultimately, once that little love was placed in my arms, I know that it wouldn’t matter a bit if he was green!
yeah I totally do! I LOVE my girls, all the same things you said apply to me but in reverse! But I was always a tomboy and into sports and I’d really like a mommas boy! Luckily I have three nephews in case I never have boys!
I cried with every boy (and felt guilty). But when I found out Addy was a girl I was scared. All I knew was boys. I had stuff for boys. Boys were “simple” in my mind, where girls seemed complex. Having 4 is the hardest thing I’ve ever done. I always wonder if we made the right choice. I still mourn not being able to have more kids (which is insane). I wonder if she will wish for a sister. Addy Mae is nothing like I imagined her to be but everything our family needed, for so many reasons.
You are a wonderful mommy to your two little boys! I am glad that our relationship made you want to have a daughter, and I agree that mother/daughter relationships are really special. But God knows best, and maybe someday you will be blessed with a daughter, but I know that no matter what, you are an awesome mommy and I am proud of you!
You’re boys are so lucky to have a mommy who loves them so much! You may not have the girl you always wanted (yet) but you can give these boys the best experiences in life and THAT is something to celebrate <3